Before any comments, I want to tell incels obsessed with virginity that I’m a virgin, so yeah, please write me an ode. Disclaimer: this article is written by a person who’s open-minded and thinks that we shouldn’t attach labels to people because at the end of the day, we are not jars in a granny’s storage room.
In highschool, I had a classmate that was literally obsessed with virginity. She talked about her virginity all day long and always brang that into discussion even if that wasn’t necessary because you talked about your English homework or something like that. I was like: “I don’t care about your pussy, nobody gives a shit about who you’ve been fucking or not.”. I’m in a good mood today and that’s why I’m joking around, but I want to let you know that what I’ve just told you is real. I had that classmate and being her classmate was tiring because generally staying with people that try to prove you how good and special they are is draining.
These are just a couple of reasons why virginity is not something real, it is more like an invention, something that people made up in order to use it as a manipulation:
- keeping the hymen intact before sex is a myth and medically inaccurate
- virginity is based on patriarchal concepts and is not a medical term
- virginity is heteronormative
Virginity is a social construct
Social constructs are ideas that shape our understanding of the world. For example, money or gender are social constructs. They also influence our thinking and behavior. We have to distinguish what’s real from what’s not, reality from fantasy, facts from ideas that have no evidence. Social constructs will cease to exist if people will stop viewing them as valid, that’s kind of the point.
The myth about the hymen being an indicator of virginity is bad enough; the myth that it must be broken in order to “take” virginity only adds to the problem because it implies violence. The truth is, the hymen can lubricate and stretch. It does not have to tear. Also true is that all sorts of non-sexual activities can contribute to the tearing of the hymen, from exercise to the inserting of a tampon. So, it is not such a big deal. I guess this idea that the hymen must be broken and so on is because things are kind of cringey for the first time. I don’t know, I guess.
Hmm, do you ever wonder why women that have a lot of sex are considered whores, but men are considered experienced and brag about it? I’m going to tell you why — that happens because of the patriarchy! Also, in my case, I observed that guys tell me I’m intimidating and I should be more vulnerable or soft. Why must women be soft and kind of helpless and dependent? I want to let you know that I’m not planning to change. I overcame a lot of stuff in my life, so yeah…I’m strong and not credulous. Does that make me masculine? That means that all the girls that I know are actually boys because I love to befriend strong women.
Also, generally, we frame virginity in a heteronormative, penis-penetrates vagina kind of way. This leaves queer people out of the construct altogether. What does sex mean without this penis in vagina type of thing?
Virginity is a social construct designed to shame women. Don't fear your sexuality. It's yours to own or to preserve.
— h (@halsey) February 3, 2014
The shame that comes with that
The shame that comes with virginity “loss” is overwhelming for a teen that is around 14-17 years old because that’s when that generally happens. Daughters generally keep it secret because they feel that they are no longer “clean” or “pure” (again, whatever that means) and they start to believe that they don’t deserve respect no more. Also, boys experience peer pressure. “Haha, you are such a nerd because you didn’t have sex!”. Again, even adult men have a lot of doubts when it comes to the size of their penises or the sexual intercourse itself. As well, women are not comfortable with their bodies and don’t know if they really turned that guy on.
What I’m trying to say is that we should discuss openly with our kids and let them know what they need to know because even adults have doubts and so on and so forth. Just imagine how these kids feel like. For example, in Romania Sex Education is not teached in schools and parents feel odd to talk about sex with their kids.
The consequence? Romania ranks second in the European Union in the birth rate among teenage mothers. So, there are a lot of kids that have kids, basically. Obviously, a teen mom is not happy that she got pregnant, but their are brainwashed and they slowly start to accept that because “God wanted this kid to be born”. So, yeah, doctrine still breaks destinies. Maybe the holy water we were soaked in has been poisoned, I don’t know what else can I say…
Church plays a role too
For centuries, Christians have held that Mary was herself conceived immaculately — that is, perfectly free of sin and therefore fit to be a pure vessel to carry Jesus. Then, when Mary was a teenager — and importantly, still a virgin — the Holy Spirit conceived Jesus, another perfect, sinless child. Many Christian scholars say that Mary remained a virgin for the rest of her life. Mary’s purported virginity as a model for how women should behave. Sex is sin. Abstaining from sex is saintly. That’s why we talk about Virgin Mary that was a model when it comes to chastity and purity.
This shaming of women goes against God’s most basic teachings. In one of Jesus’ pivotal parables, recounted in the Gospel of John, he teaches the opposite lesson — a woman accused of adultery is brought before Jesus by a mob that wants to stone her to death. Instead of condemning her, however, Jesus famously responds that only those without sin should cast the first stone. Not surprisingly, no stones are thrown.
It doesn’t even matter if you believe in God or not, it is clear that God’s teachings were about love and forgiveness, but some people turned them into violence and discrimination. I’m sure that God didn’t want the Crusades to happen. I’m sure that if God existed, he didn’t want women to be beaten by their husbands or ashamed of who they are.
What’s the reason?
Why do we put so much more weight on this one small facet of human life than we do on any of the others? Why are we still making a big deal out of who is a virgin and who isn’t? Why do we use this concept as a weapon and we are prone to scrutinize it? Not only has it been used to reward women who remain ‘pure’ with greater social capital, we’ve been pressured to centre our entire sense of self-worth around a concept that isn’t real at all. Obviously, we are talking about a double standard.
Like honour, virginity is the manifestation of a purely male preoccupation in societies where inequality, scarcity, and the degrading subjection of some people to others deprive the community as a whole of the only true human strength — self-confidence. The concepts of honour and virginity locate the prestige of a man between the legs of a woman. Virginity is a social construction that came about because of the commodification of women and it is a concept that promotes slut-shaming. The question is… if a woman had sex, does it mean that her soul is not pure anymore? For real, that doesn’t make any sense. A penis will never change who you are.
I think that we should discuss more about the prejudice that comes with sex when you are a woman because that is not a taboo. Everybody has sex, let’s be real. Don’t brainwash your kids, inform them instead! They deserve to know the truth in order to row their own boat, pave their own road and choose the life they want to live.