After all, I am only human and I cant always pretend things are fine but still, I want to help me, to make myself smile again. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks and I am always scared of love and real feelings. Scared of being loved, scared of the thought of someone making me happy so I lock up my emotions and thoughts.
So, basically, when I have bad days I tend to be such a masochist. I tend to put distance between myself and all the people who want to help me. I tend to be alone with my dangerous thoughts. But even though I tend to do this, to be alone, still, I don’t confront my thoughts and feelings. I hide them and lock them away as nothing happened. This thing affected my well-being so much that my anxiety went on another level.
But there are days, and I am so grateful and proud of those days. Days when I am tired and when I have enough of this mentality. Days when I give up on my toxic traits and when I want more, more from me. I am mad at myself in those days and decide to change something, so here you my 3 things I do to make myself smile again.
FAST AND FURIOUS MOVIES
Let me tell you the story behind this. I saw them, at a time when everything was fine. When I hadn’t those panic attacks when there was no anxiety. I was around 16 years old and life was simple: highschool, friends, no interest in boys. It was a good time because in my last 2 years of high school I focused on others rather than myself.
I had my first relationship and if I can go back to that time, I would change that. I would rather stay single in high school because I’ve missed so many things. We were both young and too needy. I lost memories, I lost all the fun I was supposed to have in high school with my friends. Sadly, I didn’t enjoy my high school years because I was crying over things I had no control of. I lost time being sad and this lead to my anxiety and trust issues.
Going back to Fast and Furious, I remember a time before all of those things happened, a time when I was good. I was young, happy, and had many dreams. I was innocent and I lost that innocence when I decided to care more about others rather than myself. The first movie I watched was Fast and Furious 7 and I fell in love with them.
When I am thinking about Paul I feel things I didn’t know I would ever feel, like something is missing. I remember that when I watched them, it made me happy. Now, after 5 years, it’s the same effect. When I have bad days, I watch these movies and remember that there are good days, too.
RUNNING: TO RUN AWAY FROM MY DARK THOUGHTS AND TO MAKE ROOM FOR A SMILE (THIS IS HOW I MAKE MYSELF TIRED OF ALL THE TOXICITY IN MY LIFE
I’m not ”a running person” exactly, but sometimes I just have enough of my thoughts and feel the need to let them go. Running, I feel like I leave them behind. It’s not about facing here, it’s about letting things go. I am not running away from them, I just let my energy go so I lose my anger, my anxiety, my dark thoughts.
DANCING ON OLD MUSIC (2000-2010)
I have an older sister and when I was young, so young I remember playing with my toys and in the background was always these songs. I don’t have many memories from my early childhood, but this one will always be in my heart. We were both young and life was again, simple. It’s almost the thing as running. Dancing, I let all the bad energy go. When I am listening to old music I feel like I am going back to a time when things were good.
Maybe I am stuck now and still holding on to things from my past, but I firmly believe that these things are the good ones. I know we are supposed to leave things behind, in our past, but how can I give up on these things? I could never give up on things that make me happy. My advice: go find your things, find the things that make you happy anytime. Maybe these things seem superficial, but anytime I have such bad days, they change my mood instantly and make me smile. So, go find your things and do them frequently!