It all started 4 years ago. In high school, I fell in love with a boy who was my age and he broke my heart. It was my first relationship and I gave him all I had. When he left me, I didn’t know how to act, what to say or think, what to do, but I didn’t want to lose myself. I didn’t want to, so, I started to write down on my laptop what I felt, the agony, the sadness, how lost I was, and this actually helped me a lot and this is how I became a writer.
He left with a part of me, and today, still, there’s an empty space. I think every person who leaves you, leaves with a part of you that will always be empty. No matter how much time it passed, how much you try to put yourself together or if you moved on. There’s always going to be an empty space because at some point, you gave it to them and you didn’t even realize.
HOW IT ACTUALLY HELPED?
I didn’t want to talk to anyone, as a teenager my problem wasn’t that important for an adult so I didn’t talk to my family. I didn’t want my friends to know how much I was hurting and how bad my mental health was. It was my first breakup, my first heartbreak. I was a child, he took advantage of me and left me alone dealing with the heartbreak. He was fine and so happy and this hurt me more. One night, I was crying so much, I couldn’t even sleep in my own bed, so I slept on the floor.
I wrote everything, how he left, how I was looking at him while he was walking away. I was screaming on the streets looking for him, without money or phone or keys, I was running and hearing voices and loud noises. Everything was simply unreal. I wrote what I felt everyday. Then, I started to write poems, a lot of them. This is how I expressed myself. I created art while I was hurting. Those poems mean a lot for me, I am so proud of them. Honestly, if I wasn’t that hurt, I couldn’t write such amazing poems.
WHY I STOPPED AND WHY AM I DOING IT AGAIN?
I wrote while I was hurting, so when the pain has gone, so was my writings. I didn’t feel the need and in a way, I am happy because of that. For me to write, it means to be really hurt and I don’t want to be like this ever again. At the same time, I want, because this is the only way I can create art and I love my art. I don’t write all the time, but when I do, I put my soul into my work. I had to lose myself in order to create art.
With my stories, my poems, I want to make others feel better, I want them to understand me and at the same time to understand themselves. I’m doing it again, even though I am not that hurt. There are still empty spaces in me and this is the only way I can fill them, letting them out. Once, I saw a quote which said “And like all lovers and sad people, I am a poet” and this expresses what I think more than my words can.