Life is unexpected, and you’ll never hear from me that I’m giving up, but still I am scared of some things. I may be tired, I may need rest, but I won’t give up. I am a paradox, I crave peace, I want to be unbothered and at the same time, I need this peace because my heart and my mind are exhausted. Still, I do things that keep me agitated, I want peace while running and chasing impossible things. I am here, but my mind is somewhere else, somewhere between reality and fantasy.
I am bored while I am doing the things that keep me alive. While I do the most unexpected things, while I am living my life at its finest and fullest, I still think that is not enough. Because it’s not, there is so much more to do and see and I am always scared. I am scared of more, scared of love, scared of being loved, scared of being happy and having the life I’ve always wanted. One thing I want to mention: Chase your stars fool, life is short!
SCARED OF BEING LOVED
This one affects my life the most, and I really hope that one day there will be someone who’s not as scared as me. I am scared because I can’t imagine that someone in this life has the strength to handle such a paradox. I want endless love, I want to grow and evolve with a person and when I am close to imagining this with someone, they just give up.
So basically I’ve never reached the comfort, the calming feeling, and the assurance I need in order to even imagine this “endless love”. I don’t think that there is such thing for me, someone who truly accepts me for who I am.
Someone who comes in the most unexpected way into my life and showing me the love I deserve? I doubt it, and not because everyone until now left me when they got to know me. Not because I am hard to love.
But because not anyone has the guts, has the strength and the nerves to deal with my mind. Not everyone is capable to love me for who I am, I love and think differently than the others. I put my soul and my heart into everything I do.
I love with all my heart and usually, people get scared of my love because they know that they can’t offer me the things I offer to them or the things I would do for them. There is never a balance and I think this is why they always leave, they are more scared of me. If someone wouldn’t be so scared of my love, I wouldn’t be scared either.
SCARED OF DOING THE RIGHT THING
I am actually ashamed of this one. It’s my toxic trait and I know it’s in our blood as humans, but it’s not ok. I have a heart way too good and I can’t see myself hurting other people on purpose. I prefer to see them happy, even though they did me wrong. Even though we are strangers, I could never hurt someone.
Not even if I suffered because of them, I would never choose revenge over peace. I prefer to be distant, to give up, to pretend they don’t exist, to cut them off. I put their needs and desires above mines because I just can’t see them feeling bad because of me, because of something I did. I m always scared of doing the right thing when it comes to humans.
Sometimes I put myself into a position where I am the one who suffers, not the ones who did the wrong thing, and still could never hate them. There’s no such thing as hate in my heart.