If I were my mother I’d tell me…to wait. Now, I’m scared


If I were my mother I’d tell me to wait, now I am scared. She told me these things since I was a little child, but I never listened. I wanted to take risks, to screw things up, to learn from these mistakes, so basically I wanted to be a grown up. I am not saying I regret what I did, but I’ve made my life complicated when things were actually simple. Now all I do is overthink and stress myself. I should have have trusted you, mom!


The first thing I remember she told me about, was to not rush into relationships from a young age. I didn’t understand then, she told me that boys at a young age won’t take you seriously. In high school, most of them want us for our body while we want closure, affection, love like the one we see in movies. She told me he will break my heart because he doesn’t love me. Not all of them are like this, there are a lot of boys with good education who don’t take a girl for granted and don’t use her for her body. Appreciate these boys when you find them.

I was stubborn and always fighting with her, I believed him when he told he loved me. I was so young and naive. He used me for my body and made me hate myself and my body for almost 3 years. I didn’t trust boys after that. She told me to wait, to give my heart to the one who deserves and who shows me love and affection. Instead, I gave my heart to the one I loved (alone) and who only wanted me for my body.


Maybe one day I’ll have a daughter. I already love her so much; I don’t want to see her crying like I did. All I want is, when she will think of love, she will think at happiness. I wish her heart will be full of love and joy, I don’t want her to have a wrong perception of love just because a boy took her for granted. This is what happened to me. At a young age, I gave my everything to someone who didn’t deserve it and he took it for granted.

Now, as a grown up, I have trust issues and toxic traits. Wait for the one, but don’t wait for someone to be the one. Don’t give him everything. Study, work for yourself, one day he might leave. Don’t make everything about him. Keep it innocent: cute dates, sweet kisses, stop sexualize everything, you are young and have all the time to experience these things with the right person. Don’t rush!


I wanted so bad to grow and to be like the adults around me. In high school, I wanted to be in college, to be independent, to move from my parent’s house. Having my own house, a job, this is all I wanted. Today, I have it. I’m a student, I have a job, I am living in another city far away from them. Even though I am independent, something is missing. I am coming home and no one is expecting me. Where are my dogs? Where is my sister? And where is the dinner?  Where is everybody? Now I am coming home and I can’t even say it’s a “home”. This is not my home.

All I do I work and study. I don’t even have the time to visit my parents, my sister is in another country. I wanted so bad to leave that I forgot what’s important in life: family. Unfortunately, I left without saying goodbye to my sister, without saying goodbye to my dogs. I want to go back when everything was fine. When I was surrounded by love and affection. I know it’s  time for me to have my own life, we all have to go trough this. It’s an important part of our life. But, can I go back home? I want one more dinner, one more football game with my dad, one more hug from my sister, one more kiss from my dogs. Mom, can you pick me up? I’m scared.


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