I will grow up, I promise

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I will grow up

I couldn’t wait to grow up, to become a responsible adult and to take life in my own hands. It seemed a wonderful thing from the outside: to come home whenever I want, having no one tell me what I can or what I can’t do. As well, to make my own decisions, to do all the things I couldn’t do when I was little.  It’s too bad that I didn’t know that this thing comes with a lot of responsibilities that I won’t know how to face them at first.

Now, when in theory I’m an adult… I’m a child most of the time.

I would want to be 12-13 years old again and to tell myself to live every moment because I will never get through them again. Those moments in which I didn’t have any problems, responsibilities or I wasn’t in pain. I want to go back to the moment when my biggest problem was choosing between the doll with a pink dress or the one with a blue dress.

I want to go back to the moment I was learning how to multiply and explain to that little girl that the multiplication of 9 is the easiest. It doesn’t compare with what comes next in life. I would like to go back to the moment when I was going into the park and the kids were coming to me and tell me “let’s be friends”. Even if we wouldn’t see each other ever again, for two hours we were best friends. I wish to go back to the moment when I was falling in love for a guy and I could just go to him and I tell him to hold hands.

Now, the problem is what should I wear, the black T-Shirt or the white one. Always choosing the black one because it’s more aesthetic and because black makes me me look skinnier. The 500 pages I have to learn before every uni exam, the anxiety that comes, believing that I can’t. But I’m taking solace from the fact that when I can’t do it anymore, I can a little more! Now we get attached to two or three people who we name “friends”. They are the ones who are close to us because we need more emotional support. Ah, and the boy that I like… he doesn’t even know that I exist.

I can’t diminish everything, it seems easy when I tell my mom about these things.

She smiles and tells me that I’m getting through the most beautiful part of my life. I can’t disagree with her, because I think about the fact that when I was little I was thinking that it’s hard when it was so easy… I go through the same thing now. It seems hard. It seems hard for me because I’m going through a new phase that I don’t know how to control and I’m conscious about the fact that when I will get used with this phase. I will move on to the next phase and I will think that it’s hard again.

I eagerly look in the future when I will have a good job, a family, parents meetings and other things that are usual in the cycle of life. Though, this thought scares me. It scares me so much that when I think about this I smile and I am happy. But at the same time, I have a big pit in my stomach. I’ll have to pay bills, utilities, kids’ whims, I’ll have to put food on the table all the time, to smile even if I have had a bad day. That’s because I can’t influence the state of the people that are around me. Of course, to think about my problems quietly, at how I can resolve them. If you want to read about the maturity among the children, click here!

These things are making me a kid.

These things make me enjoy the first snow. They make me play games, watch cartoons, be happy about every gust of wind, and enjoy every extremely hot summer. These things make me combine adult life with the one I didn’t fully appreciate in childhood. These things make me dance in the rain instead of taking cover. What if I ruin my hair? These things make me love the smell of oranges when it’s summer and to think about Christmas. These are the things I live for, that keep me alive, that show me that everything has a meaning and that I can be whatever I want to be if I have enough ambition.

I will grow up, I promise. But not now.

The time lets me keep the childish side alive and full of life, and you, reader… Don’t forget to be a kid. Don’t forget that everything has a solution. However, everything that happens, it happens with a purpose. Take it easy, solve your problems while you watch a movie. Let the kid inside you come to life, let him talk to you, listen to him and let him help you get over everything , because he is the biggest support.

Author: Balan  Patrici-Ioana

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