Throughout my life I’ve encountered many people. Some bad ones and some good ones. But how can actually tell who is good or bad? I mean we are all the villains in somebody else’s story. We as humans tend to think very highly of ourselves. Every one of us thinks of himself as the main character. Oh, what would people say or think? But we forget that all the others are also to focused on themselves to notice anybody else. Another thing we do is villainizing the others around us. Therefore, when ending any type of relationship, we tend to think that the other person is so toxic. You may think about how bad they wronged you and how poor little you suffered so much. But what if you were the toxic one? And did you ever think about your toxic traits?
Does a toxic person mean a bad person?
No. It doesn’t. And the idea that all toxic people are bad people is pretty close-minded and ignorant. The truth is that we aren’t living in a cartoon where some are villains and others heroes. Every one of us is capable both good and bad. We as a generation are so used on blaming others for being toxic and claiming that the key to happiness is by cutting toxic people off. That we forget the fact that we can be toxic too.
This idea not only villainizes a vast majority of people, but also makes us be harsher on ourselves. In other words, when we realize that we are being toxic to somebody else two things might happen. Firstly, you blame yourself for turning into that “monster”. Which might even turn into self-hatred. And secondly, after accepting the fact that you have those toxic traits you start to internalize them. As you accept them as part of who you are you start to think; this is the way I am and if you don’t accept it you hate me.
While it is a good thing to accept yourself as you are and for what you are. This doesn’t mean that you can’t evolve and become even better! Everybody a few bad strings. When you keep playing your guitar with passion and dedication some strings are ought to go bad. Would you just accept that this is the way my guitar is and I’m not going to change her? No, you would go on and change them with new fresh ones! So, if your guitar can still play as beautifully as before after those bad strings being removed. Why can’t you?
The journey of self-healing
The first step that needs to be taken is being aware. I personally started this journey not so long ago. After almost 10 years of being stuck in the same circles with the same people. I realized that my relationships with those people weren’t doing me any good. So, I just left. I left the people I was friends with for almost all my life. And of course, it wasn’t a peaceful departure, well not with all of them at least.
I have received a lot of backlash after my decision. But I wasn’t too nice either. I was so happy to finally get rid of the negativity and toxicity in my life, I was finally free! Or so I thought. But to my surprise something strange happened, I still had toxicity in my life. I still wasn’t fully happy. So, I decided to look further into it. I didn’t understand why I was still feeling this weight, what was holding me down still? Well, it was me actually. I realized that a lot of things that I do are self-destructive. And maybe you are doing it too.
If you are at a place in your life where you are not happy or comfortable with the way you are living; try this. Think of the toxic situations that you have been in. Whether it was a relationship, friendship or whatever. Think of what went wrong and why. And when analyzing the other persons toxic traits, think about yourself. How did you act in that situation? Where you considerate in every situation? Could you have reacted or handled things better? I know for a fact that I didn’t, not all the time. And that is perfectly normal, we are all imperfect beings. We were born to make mistakes and learn from it.
Admitting that there is a problem is the first step of solving it
In the last few months, I learned what some of my toxic traits are, and I am still learning. But this didn’t happen until I saw myself from the outside. I saw how I reacted in certain situations and how it got the best of me. And I didn’t like that. I didn’t like the way I became when I lost control and I dint like the way I treated others. So, I accepted it, I acknowledged that I have a problem and I was ready to solve and heal from it.
Having controlling or violent behaviors isn’t cute or quirky. You should be proud of the way you lash out at others or the way you make people walk on eggshells around you. And above all you shouldn’t expect people to stay by your side when you show no interest in improving. So, this makes it your choice, do you want to remain the way you are and not accept any type of advice or criticism? Or do you want to suck it up and take responsibility for your actions?
The way I see it is that your answer defines your circle for the next few years. If you can’t accept the fact that you have to change in order to grow. Then you are going to attract exactly that. The people that surround you will be ones with no aspiration or ambition. People that have the same mentality in their 20’s that they had in their high school years. The ones that refuse to grow and therefore dragging you down with them. Or you can accept it and improve yourself therefore attracting ambitious and passionate people. That are here for your growth and are willing to do it with you.
So, which one is it going to be?