A damaged mask between 2 worlds

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mask
https://www.pexels.com/photo/greyscale-photo-of-masks-on-a-stick-669319/
I was getting ready to go to school. I was thinking about how the day might go, thinking if it will as the others, wearing the same mask and fooling the same people and making them think that everything is fine. On the same day, I have to always think about others and their needs and their expectations of how I should live my life.

I was brushing my teeth as my mind drifted to all these kinds of thoughts, choosing which “me” I should display today, to look likable. I got to the kitchen to get breakfast. My mom was watching me, analyzing my every movement, and said:” Why do you dress like that?”. I ignored her. And do not think that I was dressed indecently. No. I was actually wearing some baggy jeans and a flannel to keep me warm.

As I was getting out, the cold morning air hit my lungs and I had to adapt to the cold as I took some breaths of fresh air. The city was kind of crowded and there was a lot of movement around me. What I like about these crowded mornings is that you can easily blend in. Nobody cares who you are, what you represent, and whether you are honest with yourself or not. People ran around like ants, each following the path that had been chosen for them, and some of them not being able to escape that. It’s somehow calming that you don’t have to pretend when you are in a crowd…How nice it is….I was getting tired.

As I was waiting for the traffic light to turn green to cross the road. I was zoning out again, thinking about what it will be like to get run over by a car. Thinking that it would be a possibility to get away from all these lies and the fake life that I’ve created because of my incompetence of not standing up for myself…

The traffic light turned green, and as I was crossing the street I was looking at the cars coming in my direction, thinking: “ Run over me, please. I’ll be able to…

 

{A sound of an impact could have been heard in the air. But not only this. There was a particular noise. It sounded like someone was breaking the bones of a skeleton on its joints but it was somehow amplified which at first was odd.  I was watching around. You could see the worried faces around the location of the sound waves, but I couldn’t quite understand why they were being like this. I hear a siren in the distance.

I look in the direction of the sound and I could see an ambulance. People were getting down around me and now I could see what actually happened. Somebody listened… I could see my body down next to my feet. I was bleeding very fast. As the blood was coming out of my body I got a sense of calm, that as soon as my whole blood was drained out, the other versions of myself would leave as well, leaving behind a pale body, barely surviving now and when it was alive.

The paramedics took me with them to the nearest hospital. I was there in the ambulance with them and my body. It was so weird seeing me like that. I had a relieved face when it happened.

As we reached the emergency room I was transferred to the O.R. I was sitting in the back of the room, watching how the doctors started to operate on my body. I think that there on the operating table, my body was in its truest form that I could have ever been. I can’t quite say that I have lived, cause that was just existing and creating illusions, in order to survive. But I think that, brought me to this happening.

I guess that even though I was hoping for an escape, I was not ready for it, yet. “Look at you Joanne”, I said as I was staring at my body on the operating table, “ Even though you wanted to die you still fear death.”

“Why would you fear me ?”. I turned my head in the direction of those words and I could see myself, but something was wrong. Death’s face was shadowed, but not by shadows, but by thoughts, like someone who has been miserable their whole life. And I acknowledged that she was a reflection of my true self. No more masks…Just me.

“ I guess I was not ready, yet. But I keep thinking, even in this state, of what people would think of me. It’s the „people-pleasing“ instinct that gets me every time”. I said.

“But you wanted an escape. Are you not tired.?”

“I am. And I think that I will come with you in the end, this being the first decision I make for myself and not for somebody else. I guess I need to process that I am finally free. “

“Take my hand”, said Death.

 As I was reaching her hand, I felt like someone was breaking the chains, the mask, the cage I was sitting in for a long time. But, something started to feel wrong again. I heard some beeps in the background as I was watching Death leaving me behind. BEEP… BEEP…BEEP…No… Take me with you…}

…escape.” I opened my eyes. I can see that i am again at the same red light before the accident happened. The same faces around me waiting for the green light. It turns green. But something was wrong… I couldn’t control my body, it was moving on its own. I looked at the cars coming in my direction.

I got a feeling of deja-vu. I saw this image once, I know how it turns out. Even though my surroundings, the situation felt familiar, there was something different. I could see Death across the street looking at me, looking pitiful at me, not being able to move my body consciously. Now I understand. This is the universe telling me to be careful what I wish for. I wished for an escape and that escape eventually transformed into my own loophole, and inevitable, my hell.

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